There's a reason they quit making these fucking heaps

Many, in fact. But the biggest one for our purposes is that you don't have to be a bad driver per se to wind up on a bad-driving blog when you own a Hummer. You just have to locate it somewhere public, say, a parking lot.

In a sense, the guy who owns this tank -- and don't kid yourself about the characteristics of the driver, because no woman would be seen tooling around in one of these mobile phallus-replacement systems -- was being responsible by not trying to cram it into a single parking space. That's about as nicely as I can spin this.

Look, when you own a truck that went tits up in 2009 -- the Hummer brand was discontinued by General Motors seven years ago because, as I recall a company spokesperson stating in a press release, "We never should have made this four-and-a-half-ton Army fuckpile available for civilians anyway" -- you should be cognizant of the fact that one reason you shouldn't drive it around is that no one wants to see your ass on the road in one, or parked alongside one. The person who lumbered up Table Mesa in this version could have parked it in the outskirts of the parking lot and walked 100 yards to the entrance instead of 50. After all. no one who drives a Hummer is concerned with conserving energy, right? Not automotive and not his own? Wait -- it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, these are a rare sight around here, unlike, well. shitty drivers. So if nothing else it was nice to be able to widen our portfolio with this inclusion.

I'M IN A BIG HURRY TO GET THERE ONE SECOND BEFORE YOU DO!

This lady decided to switch lanes without looking, coming within inches of smashing the hell out of my car in the other lane. I was forced to slam on my brakes and skidded to a stop just before she finished cutting into my lane. It was such a close call that I was shaking after the incident. I assume people reading this understand that there are other people on the road. You're not alone out there, but she seems to think so. When you change lanes, there might be someone in the lane you are entering. Imagine that!

Hey lady, I bet you're glad you got to the the red light a whole second before we did, aren't you? That was worth almost causing a collision that was likely to involve multiple cars, because I bet you did so, so much with that extra second while you were waiting ahead of me at the light.

Congrats!