Le Con

People drive aggressively in Boulder. Road rage has gotten worse in the last few years as Boulder has become increasingly crowded. There are aggressive drivers, though, and then there are complete douchebags. Cutting into someone's lane early might be a shitty move, but moving into someone's lane without even looking and coming within inches of smashing the hell out of the car in the next lane makes you a monumental asshole.

Take a look at the king of the pricks right here:

Of course, I could be wrong. I might be giving him too much credit. He might just be a simple shithead, someone incapable of having enough thought or presence of mind or the balls to qualify himself as a cunt, a prick or an asshole.

Too Many

There are so many drivers who think they own the roads. Congrats to the following self-centered motorists featured below for changing lanes without looking, driving like a maniac, speeding like a mad person or cutting others off intentionally. You all win a spot in the shitty drivers of Boulder blog.

You May Think You're Cute, But Your Behavior is Ugly

The parking situation by Lucky's Market in south Boulder is a mess. There's a lot of construction going on, so spaces are extremely limited. I had been circling around looking for a spot for a while when I saw a lady approaching her car. I put my indicator on and waited patiently for her to put her bags in the car, get in, make any necessary adjustments and begin to pull out of the spot. Before she was completely out, some selfish dope who had just arrived, drove over the median in her hurry to steal my place. She smirked as she clumsily settled her car between the white lines, and I could see her gross grin through her window. She probably felt proud to have pulled such a low move. I snapped this on my way to the store after I eventually found a different spot. In cases like this, I hope Karma is every bit the bitch people say she is.

Why Does This Not Surprise Me?

A few weeks ago, I met up with a friend who drove from Longmont to Boulder, so we could have dinner together. He mentioned that while he was on the Diagonal, he witnessed one of those individuals who drives like an asshole by speeding and weaving in and out of lanes, cutting people off and stopping short. After our meal, we were walking along Pearl Street when my friend saw the exact same car parked in front of Pasta Jay's. Several other people took pictures. I think we all had the same thought about this guy. Dude, you're not that special, and even though you drive an expensive car, it doesn't give you the right to be a complete tool and break all the rules.

There's a reason they quit making these fucking heaps

Many, in fact. But the biggest one for our purposes is that you don't have to be a bad driver per se to wind up on a bad-driving blog when you own a Hummer. You just have to locate it somewhere public, say, a parking lot.

In a sense, the guy who owns this tank -- and don't kid yourself about the characteristics of the driver, because no woman would be seen tooling around in one of these mobile phallus-replacement systems -- was being responsible by not trying to cram it into a single parking space. That's about as nicely as I can spin this.

Look, when you own a truck that went tits up in 2009 -- the Hummer brand was discontinued by General Motors seven years ago because, as I recall a company spokesperson stating in a press release, "We never should have made this four-and-a-half-ton Army fuckpile available for civilians anyway" -- you should be cognizant of the fact that one reason you shouldn't drive it around is that no one wants to see your ass on the road in one, or parked alongside one. The person who lumbered up Table Mesa in this version could have parked it in the outskirts of the parking lot and walked 100 yards to the entrance instead of 50. After all. no one who drives a Hummer is concerned with conserving energy, right? Not automotive and not his own? Wait -- it doesn't work that way.

Anyway, these are a rare sight around here, unlike, well. shitty drivers. So if nothing else it was nice to be able to widen our portfolio with this inclusion.

I'M IN A BIG HURRY TO GET THERE ONE SECOND BEFORE YOU DO!

This lady decided to switch lanes without looking, coming within inches of smashing the hell out of my car in the other lane. I was forced to slam on my brakes and skidded to a stop just before she finished cutting into my lane. It was such a close call that I was shaking after the incident. I assume people reading this understand that there are other people on the road. You're not alone out there, but she seems to think so. When you change lanes, there might be someone in the lane you are entering. Imagine that!

Hey lady, I bet you're glad you got to the the red light a whole second before we did, aren't you? That was worth almost causing a collision that was likely to involve multiple cars, because I bet you did so, so much with that extra second while you were waiting ahead of me at the light.

Congrats!